feeling so conflicted right now… last tuesday, i auditioned for the pasadena youth symphony orchestra and i got an email today from my cello teacher telling me that i got in!! (which is quite hard to believe because i did awful on my audition, lmao.) but the thing is, i’m not sure that i still want this — to be a part of this program, i mean. 

after my solo/private audition, i had to play with the orchestra to kind of test my sight-reading or something, and the other musicians (should i call them that? haha) were so intimidating (my stand partner despised me because i sucked lolol.) i’m not a really aggressive person myself — i tend to back out on things when the pressure gets overwhelming — and i just wasn’t particularly fond of the entire atmosphere of the program, i guess..

but if i do join, i’ll be going to europe (austria, czech republic/prague, and gemany to be exact) this summer and performing in grand concert halls in front of huge audiences which is so amazing and gah the thought of it is so, so tempting.

but if europe is the only reason that i’m even considering to be a part of this orchestra, i know i should not join. i feel like i should be more passionate about playing the cello, and that i should really want it in order to get something out of the whole thing. (if something is not in my best interest, i tend to half-ass it and this is not something that should be half-assed, lmao.)

but it feels like if i choose not to join, i will be passing up such a great experience and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. i mean it’s fucking europe gdi europe.

more importantly, i know i’ll disappoint a lot of people if my decision does not comply with theirs. (which basically means if my answer is anything but a yes, people will be unhappy.) and my teacher worked so hard and even adjusted her schedule so that she could give me extra lessons prior to the audition. 

gah i really don’t know what to do.